“One cup of love please”
“Sorry?!” he enquired, while I was still staring at the animated romantic banter between a couple on my right, their table was cozily stacked in the corner.
“Ma’am, we don’t serve…ahem” he paused unsure of what I was looking at.
I came out of my brief reverie, shook my thoughts off , and mumbled, “pardon me…”
This attendant seemed to be either well trained, or sensitive enough to not embarrass me by repeating my order. Instead, he suggested “would you like to go for a combo of fresh croissant and a latte?” Now was he really sensitive or was he trying to tell me that when you are single and so you must opt for a combo? “Yes please, I’d like that.”
‘Clunk! Clunk!’ Even the sound of the billing machine clunked twice. My mind..and my head.. stop it, you are coupling up everything. No I’m not!
I held my tray and found myself a twin sofa… what an irony. But the whiff of the fresh croissant and the steaming hot cuppa cooled my senses. Had I known this melt in a mouth layered pastry would taste so divine, I would have asked for two; at least the attendant would have thought I’m not alone. But why should I care of what he or anyone else thinks of me – it’s none of anyone’s business. They don’t know my story. So here I am, mentally defending myself. Being a single parent and raising two children singlehandedly is not a joke. Being a single parent and wanting to be loved is tougher! Surely, when they grow up a bit more, I might find myself someone to love. I took a sip of the comforting milky latte, as my eyes fell on the cafe’s signboard ‘a lot can happen over a cup of coffee’.
You know by now, I speak to myself impulsively, but I do write each thought deliberately. When I was separating, I felt once I’m out of here, I would find my man waiting to welcome me into his life, I would have the love I was craving for, and more-so-ever a much deserving romance. A few years later, I seldom had doubts if anyone would like to love a single parent with double the responsibilities. I covered my doubts with a garb of a ‘no nonsense single mother’ until it almost became an identity. The loneliness would often haunt me, and with every birthday, the hurt of no one to wish me at the stroke of midnight would pierce me. It was a need to feel special, a relationship to be cherished. When these feelings are so pure, then why did it feel wrong to expect and be vocal? I pondered over it for long. Little did I realise this facade was failing me. I wonder what makes an individual deserving enough to be loved.
I understand relationships are not governed by policies. These are matters of the heart and need to be handled with sensitivity, and if I as a single mom can’t deal with my sensitive areas sensibly, who else would? Being a single parent and wanting to be loved or should I consider myself as an individual who wants to be in a relationship. I figure, I should work on myself.
Let’s see.. what comes first..Trust? Am I trustworthy?
Trust is one of the most prominent areas that builds or breaks a relationship and it is not just defining being committed once in a relationship . I believe, it begins from the very first interaction. I must have been candid, outspoken, opinionated. And if a prospective partner finds this trait in me each time, their sub conscious mind will begin to trust me for who I am as a person. The key factor being, am I this person at the core, am I trustworthy? A stable relationship calls for trust – at all levels.
Now being myself is not so difficult, is it? What however seems to have been amiss was possibly – Respect.
Self worth seems to be of least importance, when it comes to love, right? Wrong! If I have nothing to offer but a tarnished image of myself, I’m most unlikely to be respected. Empathised or Sympathised with possibly, but not Respected. It’s about time I figured out why I feel I have not been loved or have been taken for granted – well here is definitely a lesson to keep in mind. However, self-esteem in it’s absolute essence can not be mistaken as ego, my self-esteem needs to act as something to be looked up to, with respect.
Am I sounding too serious already? Is that intimidating? I don’t know, but I do feel this: Happiness should be my next mental note.
Admittedly one can not be in a state of cheerfulness at all times. And I for one can’t giggle or laugh at lame jokes. But does that mean I would be sulking? Have I never experienced achievements professional/personal- big/small, anything – of course I have! Yet, I have several reasons to be happy, and there’s only one way to express, I need to smile more often, I need to smile each time I count my blessings.. I ought to be a wholesome happy person. It is essential for me to work on being a happy person. I would rather act on ‘what’ makes me happy and not rely on ‘who’ makes me happy. And happiness is contagious, they say.
“Excuse me?” A voice from a table next to me invites my attention.
I look up to find this smiling, brown-eyed, well dressed gentleman gesturing towards my pen, “May I borrow it for a while please, if you are done with your piece?”
“Not done yet…but sure you can use it for a while” I cross over Single Parent Seeking Love and trace over my text to underline ‘what makes an individual deserving enough to be loved.’
“Here you go.” I oblige by handing over the pen. He worded a “Thank you” and with that my eyes drift back to the signpost outside the window – a lot can happen over a cup of coffee, croissant and some writing, I muse, smiling.